I've been a waitress and cashier. I've worked for an insurance company as an administrative assistant, word processing technician and machine transcriptionist. I was a cosmetologist, hotel front desk clerk, jewelry salesperson, lunch lady, and more. Oh, and let's not forget to add author to that list.
I have a sneaky suspicion that I may be the living embodiment of the phrase "Jack of all trades, master of none."
So does it really come as a surprise to anyone that I've recently started a new career as a substitute teacher?
It's not really that much of a stretch, to be honest. This is what I studied in college. I finished three years' study in Secondary Education; granted, that was almost four decades ago, but the knowledge is still there in my brain. It may be buried under four decades worth of crap, but it's in there. Behind my kids' birthdays and shoe sizes, under the recipe for lemon meringue pie, and shuffled in with account numbers, miscellaneous passwords, and phone numbers for phones that no longer exist.
It's all in there, man. Odds are about 50/50 that I'll be able to access it when I need it, but I got this.
I got this.
It's been an adventure, that's for sure. Some days, I think I'm learning more than I'm teaching. For example, I learned that it is crucial to tell ninth graders that playing Hangman on the board must only include school-appropriate body parts. Crucial.
Day one, the teacher left a note saying they could play the game after all work was finished. I watched in all my inexperienced, unsuspecting glory as the teenager drew the head, then torso, two arms, two legs, a third leg--
Oh.
Hang on.
Not a leg.
"Erase that, please."
To my credit, I don't think any of the kids saw me laughing. I managed to keep it together until the bell rang, but all bets were off after that.
I got to teach a middle school science class where we talked about Newtons Laws of Motion. Middle school. Guys, I learned that in college. How in the heck are middle schoolers learning this stuff?
There's a pretty good chance that my high school gym teacher starts rolling in his grave every time I sub in a gym class. Of course, if I get smacked in the head by a few more well-aimed soccer balls, I may start spinning in my own grave.
The soccer team swears it's accidental, but I have my suspicions about a few of them.
I'm old, not stupid.
I spent a day in a fifth grade classroom with two pet geckos, one of which was apparently convinced it was a possum. It played dead very convincingly. So convincingly, in fact, that I'm still not sure it was playing at all. Reaching in and doing a wellness check on a potentially dead gecko was not part of my job description.
The same can be said about the bearded dragon in the science classroom at the high school. The teacher left a dish of food with a note that said "Dragon Food, do NOT eat" along with another note saying, "Don't worry about the dragon. I'll feed her tomorrow."
Bold of her to assume I would try to feed something with the word "dragon" in it's name.
I am, however, concerned that she felt the need to warn me away from eating the dragon's food. Are other subs in the habit of eating random bits of pet food that may be left lying around?
Honestly, I can't imagine this is a situation that is going to come up very often. Then again, two geckos and one bearded dragon are already three more lizards than I expected to deal with as a substitute teacher, so what do I know?
Obviously, not as much as I thought I did.
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